Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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