So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
