She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
