I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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