Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
