Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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