SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
