standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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