So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
