that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
