I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
