It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
