hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
