I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize