i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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