Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
