Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
