So drunk its hurt
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
