Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
