why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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