My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I have post one night stand depression
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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