I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
