I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
