I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize