He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
