I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
