I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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