Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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