Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize