WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
