I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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