We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
