I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
