A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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