The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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