we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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