mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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