Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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