May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
