My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
