why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
