the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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