they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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