at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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