So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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