I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
