Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
