the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize