peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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