Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
