I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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