break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I can feel your judgement through the phone
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
