I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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