planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
