i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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