Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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