Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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