I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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