last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
