she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
