I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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