I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
