i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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