ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
